happenstance.

I've been sitting around lately, trying to figure out what I would talk about next on my blog. I want to keep everything interesting and relevant (for the most part) so that maybe people will want to read this on the regular. I was just scrolling through Tumblr about five seconds ago (follow me here) and saw something that really sparked an idea in me. It was a picture with an awesome quote on it that read:
"Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance."

I think about this concept of 'happenstance' a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I actually had a discussion with my mom about it last night, though I think she sees 'happenstance' more as 'God does wonderful things', which doesn't particularly excite me because I'm not religious. But, whatever you personally believe in, whatever force (or lack thereof) you think helps us along in life, it's an interesting thought.

This time last year, I had just been accepted to my first college. I received my acceptance letter in the mail around the 23rd of December, and was excited to start a new chapter in my life. I was also anxiously awaiting two other letters from two other universities and hoping that I would be accepted to my dream school. I was also starting to doubt that I would be going to my dream school, that I would be living the city life I had imagined after living in a rural town for the 17 years of my life. At the time, I was not only dealing with my senior year of high school and everything that comes with it, but also battling back against yet another round of anxiety and depression issues.

I don't want to get too personal or spend too much time on my personal life issues, but I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression since I was 12. It's been an entirely uphill battle, though right now, life is pretty grand and I think I've finally found the things I need to continue being happy and functional. It was a hard combination, and with both my mom and my counselor telling me to chill out and go to school locally after high school, I was getting pretty bummed out about my future.

Anyway, as I was saying, I had gotten my first acceptance letter. I was super stoked, except for the fact that it was to the school my mom wanted me to go to since it was closer than my dream school, which was 5 hours and however many miles away. I was glad I had a 'backup', but was even more excited to finally get my acceptance letter from the other school, and prove to everyone that I could handle myself. But, ultimately, I was rejected from my second choice, and my letter of acceptance from my dream school (which was international) was taking too long to come. I had to put my deposit down at a college soon or wait a whole semester. I didn't want to risk putting all my eggs in one basket for something that might not work out, so I basically decided, screw it, I guess my mom is getting her way after all.

And at the time, I was irritated about it. This isn't what I wanted and I felt like I was being babied. After years of counseling and med changes, I was functional and able to handle myself. Or at least, I thought I was. Truthfully, I was still in the midst of figuring life out and figuring my anxiety out as well. It was still in the stages where it somewhat controlled me, but I guess I was just too anxious to realize that.

So, fast forward to the summer, right before I was to go off to school. Everything was ready; I had bought everything I thought I needed, spent countless amounts of money, had multiple existential crises, and second guessed myself numerous times. But, on move in day, everything felt.. Okay. Of course, at this point, I had accepted my enrollment at this school, mostly because I thought, "Well, I'll just go here for a year or two and then transfer. I'm sure I won't even like it that much anyway."

But after unpacking and settling in, two weeks later, I was having the time of my life. I made some really awesome friends (and was about to make even more awesome friends. HI KELS!), I had freedoms that I had never experienced before, I was enjoying my courses much more than I anticipated, and, even though I didn't know it, I was bound to meet a really cool guy after a party and end up really liking him (shout out to le bf. He's pretty cool. Thank god he went to go get pizza that night).

Even though I was super apprehensive to go to this school in the first place, everything seemed to be working out. Everything was falling into place. My first semester wasn't perfect and I had some setbacks from my depression, but I worked through them. And I grew. I managed to fix problems myself (and with a little help from my friends) and finish my semester with a solid GPA. Looking back, I'm like, "huh.. Well would you look at that. Everything worked out pretty well." And even that is an understatement. Everything worked out beyond my wildest expectations.

And I wonder, what if I hadn't gone to this school? I wouldn't have met my best friends, I wouldn't have met le bf, and I wouldn't have enjoyed my first semester of college so much. Maybe I would have enjoyed it, but college was everything I could have hoped for. I guess it was just fate that had me end up here, where I am now. And even though I was trying to make it a different outcome, I'm glad that this one prevailed. I'm glad I was rejected from my second choice university. I'm glad that I didn't move 5 hours away from my mom and everything I knew. I'm glad that I decided to 'play it safe' and go to school more close to home. If I had gone somewhere else, or even taken a semester or year off, I wouldn't have met the people I know now. And I don't know if I could picture my life without them. They're all so amazing in their own ways. But that's a whole different blog post.

So sometimes, I think, we should all take a step back. The universe and it's myriad of magical forces has a way of making sure everything works out in the end. Or maybe that's just my naive optimism speaking, but I truly believe that. Sure, everything isn't handed to you on a silver platter. But the little things we are given can turn into a huge opportunities or even beautiful relationships that we'll cherish forever, as long as you let them. So thank you, happenstance. You're pretty cool. And so are the things that you've given me.