So it's official; I'm back at college for my spring semester of freshman year. I actually have class at 1 p.m, but I'm still in bed and kind of groggy and contemplating on making a cup of coffee so I can survive through my stats class. We'll see where it goes.
I'm also currently living in a state of disarray because my stuff is everywhere and nothing seems to have a proper place right now, but we'll get there. First I have to get up, which is honestly the hardest battle I've ever had to fight (jk, that's a total lie) because doing nothing all break has warranted me totally useless, to be honest. But, I will admit, I'm very happy to be back on campus with my friends and living with my awesome roommate and being confined to a small space again because, weirdly, I love it. I've loved everything that has come with college, even the annoyance of sharing a bathroom with so many other people and shitty shower water pressure and the fact I can't have a toaster in my room (I'm really craving an English muffin right now). But it's okay.
I really can't put into words the excitement I feel about this semester. My love for learning has finally returned after being stolen by the public education system for four long years (oh drama, oh life~). I enjoyed certain aspects of high school, but I definitely didn't love it the way I love college. I guess the freedoms of living on my own and choosing who I associate with are only a few reasons why I love it so much. But I'm a huge fan of the rigorous courses and the fast paced learning. That's something I really craved in high school and I only ever found AP classes to satiate that kind of hunger. And now I probably sound like some poetic douche who's trying to assert their educational dominance. I promise I'm not, I'm just sleepy and kind of anxious about the first day of classes.
I will say, though, I definitely do not love the fact that the wifi here is the slowest thing to exist on this planet. It makes keeping up with my YouTube subscriptions difficult and watching anime even more difficult. It even causes my Pandora stations to skip sometimes which is incredibly frustrating when I'm trying to do something like clean my room. The kicker is that apparently they recently renovated and updated the wifi in my building. I beg to differ, school. I really do.
So, I suppose I should be done now. I need to take a shower and get my bag packed for class and look presentable and that's gonna take some time with how slow I am this morning/afternoon. Today's post was short, but I promise that I'll be back soon with more (hopefully) interesting content. Maybe. I can't promise I'll continue to be interesting and deep and sooper kewl.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
back to regularly scheduled programming.
It's been quite a few days since I've posted something on here. I wish I could say it's because I've been busy getting things together to go back to school for spring semester, but truthfully, I've just been laying around the house in my PJ's and watching a lot of anime while occasionally listening to my records. Don't get me wrong, I have been getting things together little by little, but I should probably put more effort into it considering that I move back into my dorm in T-3 days.
I can't lie, though, I'm very excited to go back to college life. I've really enjoyed the break and being able to do whatever with little to no responsibility. I've also enjoyed sleeping until whenever because I can and not having to worry about making it to class on time. And I've greatly enjoyed spending so much time with my cats, because I really miss them when I'm at school. Now that I have two (I recently adopted a Siamese kitten) the cat feels are going to be twice as much while I'm away. I am, in fact, a bonafide cat lady.
But truthfully, there's something so awesome about living on your own in a dorm at school. I've really enjoyed having the freedom to do whatever (and then have to take care of my own problems, of course, but that's a whole different story..) and make the rules. Being away at school and being on my own, for the most part, has helped me learn a lot about myself and has also made me into more of an adult, I would say. And I've elaborated on this topic already, so we're going to move on.
I'm hoping that after I move back in and life goes back to being it's crazy self, I'm going to keep up with this blog. I'm really, really hoping. I've enjoyed doing this so far, even though it's been not that many weeks since I started again. But I really have enjoyed writing down things that go through my head or about things that spark my interest. Basically, I have to make my blog a priority when I go back to school and academic life. As someone who procrastinates a lot and tends to forget about things a little to easily, it's gonna be tough. But I'm determined to make it work because like I said, I've thoroughly enjoyed it so far. And I think it'll continue to be fun going forward.
In a related topic, I'm unsure of what I should talk about going forward. As I've said previously, I want this blog to be interesting and not just a running dialogue of what's going on in my head/a journal/a place where I complain all the time because that's not fun to read. I guess some major brain storming should take place and I should also probably write down the ideas I get at 1 a.m when I'm about to go to sleep but then have some random spark of genius. This happens a lot, especially with writing (I'm a writer, I suppose. I write poems and junk. It's casual) and then I wake up in the morning, pissed off at myself because I probably just let a really good one go just because I value sleep above a lot of things. This is yet another thing that should probably change. Yes, sleep is very valuable and something we need as humans to live and recharge and what not, but still. Sleep is not more important than my education or my money that's going towards my education. Because college is not cheap in America. Not at all.
And as a gentle reminder for all the people out there that read this and also go to college, don't forget to fill out your FAFSA!! It's very important that you do so you can be educated and do awesome things without going broke in the process (actually, let's be real, you'll still probably go broke in the process but I mean like, it'll be fun right? ha, ha hahaha HAHHOHWOFIHAOF)
Okay, well.. I should probably stop wasting time on the Internet and get up and do something. There's a imaginary laundry list of things that I have to get done today and I have done 1.2 of those things. Go me. We're getting somewhere.
I can't lie, though, I'm very excited to go back to college life. I've really enjoyed the break and being able to do whatever with little to no responsibility. I've also enjoyed sleeping until whenever because I can and not having to worry about making it to class on time. And I've greatly enjoyed spending so much time with my cats, because I really miss them when I'm at school. Now that I have two (I recently adopted a Siamese kitten) the cat feels are going to be twice as much while I'm away. I am, in fact, a bonafide cat lady.
But truthfully, there's something so awesome about living on your own in a dorm at school. I've really enjoyed having the freedom to do whatever (and then have to take care of my own problems, of course, but that's a whole different story..) and make the rules. Being away at school and being on my own, for the most part, has helped me learn a lot about myself and has also made me into more of an adult, I would say. And I've elaborated on this topic already, so we're going to move on.
I'm hoping that after I move back in and life goes back to being it's crazy self, I'm going to keep up with this blog. I'm really, really hoping. I've enjoyed doing this so far, even though it's been not that many weeks since I started again. But I really have enjoyed writing down things that go through my head or about things that spark my interest. Basically, I have to make my blog a priority when I go back to school and academic life. As someone who procrastinates a lot and tends to forget about things a little to easily, it's gonna be tough. But I'm determined to make it work because like I said, I've thoroughly enjoyed it so far. And I think it'll continue to be fun going forward.
In a related topic, I'm unsure of what I should talk about going forward. As I've said previously, I want this blog to be interesting and not just a running dialogue of what's going on in my head/a journal/a place where I complain all the time because that's not fun to read. I guess some major brain storming should take place and I should also probably write down the ideas I get at 1 a.m when I'm about to go to sleep but then have some random spark of genius. This happens a lot, especially with writing (I'm a writer, I suppose. I write poems and junk. It's casual) and then I wake up in the morning, pissed off at myself because I probably just let a really good one go just because I value sleep above a lot of things. This is yet another thing that should probably change. Yes, sleep is very valuable and something we need as humans to live and recharge and what not, but still. Sleep is not more important than my education or my money that's going towards my education. Because college is not cheap in America. Not at all.
And as a gentle reminder for all the people out there that read this and also go to college, don't forget to fill out your FAFSA!! It's very important that you do so you can be educated and do awesome things without going broke in the process (actually, let's be real, you'll still probably go broke in the process but I mean like, it'll be fun right? ha, ha hahaha HAHHOHWOFIHAOF)
Okay, well.. I should probably stop wasting time on the Internet and get up and do something. There's a imaginary laundry list of things that I have to get done today and I have done 1.2 of those things. Go me. We're getting somewhere.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
adulthood pt. 2 and the little things.
Today was an interesting day, for many reasons. It had equal amount of ups and downs, but I mean.. It's one day, so.. It's not the end of the world. I bought a new bedside lamp for my room (holla at Target for making cute AND affordable lamp bases and shades. You're the best, Target~), I finally got my battery replaced in my well-loved MacBook (holla at Apple for making computers that last five years before you have to get the battery changed. And thanks for cleaning it. I'm sorry I'm such a disgusting person sometimes. I'm really embarrassed. I seriously love you. 4 real), and I bought new candles. Oh, and free lipstick! How could I forget the free lipstick?! MAC is great and I love that they recycle their old packaging because I mean, I get free lipstick, I help the environment. It's a win-win for everyone, I do believe.
These things are such insignificant, little things that happened that made it an overall amazing day today. Sure, there were a few things that made it not so amazing, to say the least. But I'm a firm believer in making the best out of everything. I think that life is too short to worry about being judged for what you like or for getting excited over little things. Be a little immature and squeal when they get a new stuffed animal at the Disney Store (I shamelessly did this when they got the Rocket stuffed animals from Guardians of the Galaxy and promptly got it) or be stoked that a gas station has your favorite drink. Be excitable. Who cares? Life's too short to give too much of a damn.
I'm also a firm believer in a cycle of energy and vibes, if you will. Whatever kind of vibes/energy you put out into the world is bound to come back to you. So ultimately, you have a choice: either make it positive or let yourself emit negative vibes. Not only does this not benefit you, it can also dampen your life and that's not fun.
So I always choose to embrace the little things. And I'm sure a bunch of you are groaning. Yes, I get it. It's not always easy to be this way. Hell, I spent about 5 years of my life waiting for it to get better. But here's something else I've learned: life doesn't hand you anything you can't handle and it doesn't give you anything for free. You might as well learn to roll with the punches and learn how to make yourself happy. No one else is going to do it for you.
Going into adulthood, it scares me how many people who are significantly older than me don't understand that. How have you gotten so far in life being negative and grouchy and expecting life to figure itself out on it's own? Part of being an adult is basically learning how to deal with situations on your own and being responsible. It sucks, I won't lie. Especially when you're suddenly thrown into it. But it's all part of a learning process.
And yes, being negative happens. It definitely and totally happens. Because the truth is, life isn't so swell all the time. Sometimes it throws you curve ball after curve ball and it's just not fair and everything kind of piles up on itself. But like.. that happens to everyone. Everyone gets stressed out and sometimes it's really bad, or sometimes it's minor and easily fixed. But.. It can be fixed. And I guess that's the kind of thing that has kept me going, especially with my anxiety and depression. I can get so easily down on myself and think, 'wow, life really sucks', but it doesn't. Because coffee and candles and toddlers who sing Frozen exist. And my mom and I have a great relationship and I live in a house and have two beautiful cats whom I love very much. And even if I have these things, it's totally okay to get bummed. Everyone does and that's fine. It's just not okay when you're permanently bummed.
It's also kind of fun, learning how to deal with what life throws at you. Instead of hiding behind your parents all the time, they kind of step out of the way all of a sudden and it's like 'aw shit, time to put my big kid pants (or skirt, if you're like me) and deal with this myself'. I mean, it's not fun when you have to earn all your own money and suddenly your parents aren't paying for your groceries and you have to wash all your own clothes (in laundry rooms you share with 25 other people, I might add), but hey.. Learning experience, remember? It's chill, everyone has to do it sometime.
Can we all just take a second to laugh at the fact I got excited over a lamp? Let's just say, I think that the adulthood mentality is kicking in. First, I asked for socks for Christmas so my feet wouldn't get cold when I walked to class this semester, and next I'm in the aisle at Target, excited over a new lamp for my room. It's been fun guys, but I think I should go scout out some land down in Florida for when I retire. (I kid, I kid, I'm still young. But hey, it's never too early, right?)
So.. To quote a movie that I think EVERYONE should watch, not just for the zombies, but also for the redneck, Twinkie-loving character played by Woody Harrelson:
"Rule #11: Enjoy the little things."
These things are such insignificant, little things that happened that made it an overall amazing day today. Sure, there were a few things that made it not so amazing, to say the least. But I'm a firm believer in making the best out of everything. I think that life is too short to worry about being judged for what you like or for getting excited over little things. Be a little immature and squeal when they get a new stuffed animal at the Disney Store (I shamelessly did this when they got the Rocket stuffed animals from Guardians of the Galaxy and promptly got it) or be stoked that a gas station has your favorite drink. Be excitable. Who cares? Life's too short to give too much of a damn.
I'm also a firm believer in a cycle of energy and vibes, if you will. Whatever kind of vibes/energy you put out into the world is bound to come back to you. So ultimately, you have a choice: either make it positive or let yourself emit negative vibes. Not only does this not benefit you, it can also dampen your life and that's not fun.
So I always choose to embrace the little things. And I'm sure a bunch of you are groaning. Yes, I get it. It's not always easy to be this way. Hell, I spent about 5 years of my life waiting for it to get better. But here's something else I've learned: life doesn't hand you anything you can't handle and it doesn't give you anything for free. You might as well learn to roll with the punches and learn how to make yourself happy. No one else is going to do it for you.
Going into adulthood, it scares me how many people who are significantly older than me don't understand that. How have you gotten so far in life being negative and grouchy and expecting life to figure itself out on it's own? Part of being an adult is basically learning how to deal with situations on your own and being responsible. It sucks, I won't lie. Especially when you're suddenly thrown into it. But it's all part of a learning process.
And yes, being negative happens. It definitely and totally happens. Because the truth is, life isn't so swell all the time. Sometimes it throws you curve ball after curve ball and it's just not fair and everything kind of piles up on itself. But like.. that happens to everyone. Everyone gets stressed out and sometimes it's really bad, or sometimes it's minor and easily fixed. But.. It can be fixed. And I guess that's the kind of thing that has kept me going, especially with my anxiety and depression. I can get so easily down on myself and think, 'wow, life really sucks', but it doesn't. Because coffee and candles and toddlers who sing Frozen exist. And my mom and I have a great relationship and I live in a house and have two beautiful cats whom I love very much. And even if I have these things, it's totally okay to get bummed. Everyone does and that's fine. It's just not okay when you're permanently bummed.
It's also kind of fun, learning how to deal with what life throws at you. Instead of hiding behind your parents all the time, they kind of step out of the way all of a sudden and it's like 'aw shit, time to put my big kid pants (or skirt, if you're like me) and deal with this myself'. I mean, it's not fun when you have to earn all your own money and suddenly your parents aren't paying for your groceries and you have to wash all your own clothes (in laundry rooms you share with 25 other people, I might add), but hey.. Learning experience, remember? It's chill, everyone has to do it sometime.
Can we all just take a second to laugh at the fact I got excited over a lamp? Let's just say, I think that the adulthood mentality is kicking in. First, I asked for socks for Christmas so my feet wouldn't get cold when I walked to class this semester, and next I'm in the aisle at Target, excited over a new lamp for my room. It's been fun guys, but I think I should go scout out some land down in Florida for when I retire. (I kid, I kid, I'm still young. But hey, it's never too early, right?)
So.. To quote a movie that I think EVERYONE should watch, not just for the zombies, but also for the redneck, Twinkie-loving character played by Woody Harrelson:
"Rule #11: Enjoy the little things."
Friday, January 9, 2015
happenstance.
I've been sitting around lately, trying to figure out what I would talk about next on my blog. I want to keep everything interesting and relevant (for the most part) so that maybe people will want to read this on the regular. I was just scrolling through Tumblr about five seconds ago (follow me here) and saw something that really sparked an idea in me. It was a picture with an awesome quote on it that read:
"Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance."
I think about this concept of 'happenstance' a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I actually had a discussion with my mom about it last night, though I think she sees 'happenstance' more as 'God does wonderful things', which doesn't particularly excite me because I'm not religious. But, whatever you personally believe in, whatever force (or lack thereof) you think helps us along in life, it's an interesting thought.
This time last year, I had just been accepted to my first college. I received my acceptance letter in the mail around the 23rd of December, and was excited to start a new chapter in my life. I was also anxiously awaiting two other letters from two other universities and hoping that I would be accepted to my dream school. I was also starting to doubt that I would be going to my dream school, that I would be living the city life I had imagined after living in a rural town for the 17 years of my life. At the time, I was not only dealing with my senior year of high school and everything that comes with it, but also battling back against yet another round of anxiety and depression issues.
I don't want to get too personal or spend too much time on my personal life issues, but I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression since I was 12. It's been an entirely uphill battle, though right now, life is pretty grand and I think I've finally found the things I need to continue being happy and functional. It was a hard combination, and with both my mom and my counselor telling me to chill out and go to school locally after high school, I was getting pretty bummed out about my future.
Anyway, as I was saying, I had gotten my first acceptance letter. I was super stoked, except for the fact that it was to the school my mom wanted me to go to since it was closer than my dream school, which was 5 hours and however many miles away. I was glad I had a 'backup', but was even more excited to finally get my acceptance letter from the other school, and prove to everyone that I could handle myself. But, ultimately, I was rejected from my second choice, and my letter of acceptance from my dream school (which was international) was taking too long to come. I had to put my deposit down at a college soon or wait a whole semester. I didn't want to risk putting all my eggs in one basket for something that might not work out, so I basically decided, screw it, I guess my mom is getting her way after all.
And at the time, I was irritated about it. This isn't what I wanted and I felt like I was being babied. After years of counseling and med changes, I was functional and able to handle myself. Or at least, I thought I was. Truthfully, I was still in the midst of figuring life out and figuring my anxiety out as well. It was still in the stages where it somewhat controlled me, but I guess I was just too anxious to realize that.
So, fast forward to the summer, right before I was to go off to school. Everything was ready; I had bought everything I thought I needed, spent countless amounts of money, had multiple existential crises, and second guessed myself numerous times. But, on move in day, everything felt.. Okay. Of course, at this point, I had accepted my enrollment at this school, mostly because I thought, "Well, I'll just go here for a year or two and then transfer. I'm sure I won't even like it that much anyway."
But after unpacking and settling in, two weeks later, I was having the time of my life. I made some really awesome friends (and was about to make even more awesome friends. HI KELS!), I had freedoms that I had never experienced before, I was enjoying my courses much more than I anticipated, and, even though I didn't know it, I was bound to meet a really cool guy after a party and end up really liking him (shout out to le bf. He's pretty cool. Thank god he went to go get pizza that night).
Even though I was super apprehensive to go to this school in the first place, everything seemed to be working out. Everything was falling into place. My first semester wasn't perfect and I had some setbacks from my depression, but I worked through them. And I grew. I managed to fix problems myself (and with a little help from my friends) and finish my semester with a solid GPA. Looking back, I'm like, "huh.. Well would you look at that. Everything worked out pretty well." And even that is an understatement. Everything worked out beyond my wildest expectations.
And I wonder, what if I hadn't gone to this school? I wouldn't have met my best friends, I wouldn't have met le bf, and I wouldn't have enjoyed my first semester of college so much. Maybe I would have enjoyed it, but college was everything I could have hoped for. I guess it was just fate that had me end up here, where I am now. And even though I was trying to make it a different outcome, I'm glad that this one prevailed. I'm glad I was rejected from my second choice university. I'm glad that I didn't move 5 hours away from my mom and everything I knew. I'm glad that I decided to 'play it safe' and go to school more close to home. If I had gone somewhere else, or even taken a semester or year off, I wouldn't have met the people I know now. And I don't know if I could picture my life without them. They're all so amazing in their own ways. But that's a whole different blog post.
So sometimes, I think, we should all take a step back. The universe and it's myriad of magical forces has a way of making sure everything works out in the end. Or maybe that's just my naive optimism speaking, but I truly believe that. Sure, everything isn't handed to you on a silver platter. But the little things we are given can turn into a huge opportunities or even beautiful relationships that we'll cherish forever, as long as you let them. So thank you, happenstance. You're pretty cool. And so are the things that you've given me.
"Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance."
I think about this concept of 'happenstance' a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I actually had a discussion with my mom about it last night, though I think she sees 'happenstance' more as 'God does wonderful things', which doesn't particularly excite me because I'm not religious. But, whatever you personally believe in, whatever force (or lack thereof) you think helps us along in life, it's an interesting thought.
This time last year, I had just been accepted to my first college. I received my acceptance letter in the mail around the 23rd of December, and was excited to start a new chapter in my life. I was also anxiously awaiting two other letters from two other universities and hoping that I would be accepted to my dream school. I was also starting to doubt that I would be going to my dream school, that I would be living the city life I had imagined after living in a rural town for the 17 years of my life. At the time, I was not only dealing with my senior year of high school and everything that comes with it, but also battling back against yet another round of anxiety and depression issues.
I don't want to get too personal or spend too much time on my personal life issues, but I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression since I was 12. It's been an entirely uphill battle, though right now, life is pretty grand and I think I've finally found the things I need to continue being happy and functional. It was a hard combination, and with both my mom and my counselor telling me to chill out and go to school locally after high school, I was getting pretty bummed out about my future.
Anyway, as I was saying, I had gotten my first acceptance letter. I was super stoked, except for the fact that it was to the school my mom wanted me to go to since it was closer than my dream school, which was 5 hours and however many miles away. I was glad I had a 'backup', but was even more excited to finally get my acceptance letter from the other school, and prove to everyone that I could handle myself. But, ultimately, I was rejected from my second choice, and my letter of acceptance from my dream school (which was international) was taking too long to come. I had to put my deposit down at a college soon or wait a whole semester. I didn't want to risk putting all my eggs in one basket for something that might not work out, so I basically decided, screw it, I guess my mom is getting her way after all.
And at the time, I was irritated about it. This isn't what I wanted and I felt like I was being babied. After years of counseling and med changes, I was functional and able to handle myself. Or at least, I thought I was. Truthfully, I was still in the midst of figuring life out and figuring my anxiety out as well. It was still in the stages where it somewhat controlled me, but I guess I was just too anxious to realize that.
So, fast forward to the summer, right before I was to go off to school. Everything was ready; I had bought everything I thought I needed, spent countless amounts of money, had multiple existential crises, and second guessed myself numerous times. But, on move in day, everything felt.. Okay. Of course, at this point, I had accepted my enrollment at this school, mostly because I thought, "Well, I'll just go here for a year or two and then transfer. I'm sure I won't even like it that much anyway."
But after unpacking and settling in, two weeks later, I was having the time of my life. I made some really awesome friends (and was about to make even more awesome friends. HI KELS!), I had freedoms that I had never experienced before, I was enjoying my courses much more than I anticipated, and, even though I didn't know it, I was bound to meet a really cool guy after a party and end up really liking him (shout out to le bf. He's pretty cool. Thank god he went to go get pizza that night).
Even though I was super apprehensive to go to this school in the first place, everything seemed to be working out. Everything was falling into place. My first semester wasn't perfect and I had some setbacks from my depression, but I worked through them. And I grew. I managed to fix problems myself (and with a little help from my friends) and finish my semester with a solid GPA. Looking back, I'm like, "huh.. Well would you look at that. Everything worked out pretty well." And even that is an understatement. Everything worked out beyond my wildest expectations.
And I wonder, what if I hadn't gone to this school? I wouldn't have met my best friends, I wouldn't have met le bf, and I wouldn't have enjoyed my first semester of college so much. Maybe I would have enjoyed it, but college was everything I could have hoped for. I guess it was just fate that had me end up here, where I am now. And even though I was trying to make it a different outcome, I'm glad that this one prevailed. I'm glad I was rejected from my second choice university. I'm glad that I didn't move 5 hours away from my mom and everything I knew. I'm glad that I decided to 'play it safe' and go to school more close to home. If I had gone somewhere else, or even taken a semester or year off, I wouldn't have met the people I know now. And I don't know if I could picture my life without them. They're all so amazing in their own ways. But that's a whole different blog post.
So sometimes, I think, we should all take a step back. The universe and it's myriad of magical forces has a way of making sure everything works out in the end. Or maybe that's just my naive optimism speaking, but I truly believe that. Sure, everything isn't handed to you on a silver platter. But the little things we are given can turn into a huge opportunities or even beautiful relationships that we'll cherish forever, as long as you let them. So thank you, happenstance. You're pretty cool. And so are the things that you've given me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
adulthood.
In November, I turned 18. The big 1-8, the legal age of (almost) everything. I'm officially considered an adult, yet I still sometimes feel 12 on the inside. Some people might even be convinced that I'm a 5 year old stuck inside an 18 year old body. Sometimes, I'd agree with them. I still quote Spongebob like a 10 year old who's had too much candy.
Adulthood is this weird thing to me. Suddenly, once you turn 18, POOF, you can no longer be tried as a juvenile (not that I have plans to commit a crime or anything) and you suddenly have all these responsibilities thrust upon you like voting and driving yourself to the doctor and making your own damn appointments (which terrifies me, but we're slowly working on it). But in all honesty, I just want to lay around and possibly watch Adventure Time on Netflix while I drink hot chocolate (shout out to Trader Joe's for making a delicious, organic instant mix. You know what I want, TJ. You always do. <3). IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!
Well, not really, I suppose. Sure, I have to work at a job and make my own money and drive myself places instead of my mom taking me and tell the doctor why I don't feel well by myself and pay for my own computer repairs (mental note: call Apple already and ask them how much it's going to cost to replace your stupid battery) and cook my own food every once in a while but that doesn't mean I can't do all my childish things, right? Just because I've passed into the 'legal adult' territory age-wise doesn't mean I'm not allowed to do the things I used to. It's silly to think that way, and yet, I've had those thoughts before.
I guess I've realized that I've previously put so much pressure on myself to be 'adult-like' all the time, 24 hours a day, even before I was really considered an adult. I think that's silly. I shouldn't have to conform to 'mature' ideals just because I'm now legally considered an adult. My mother is 50 years old and we still jump in mud puddles together like we're both 5 year old kids. And that's great! It's fun! Life should be fun!! (Insert cliche, overdone ~life is too short~ quote that I wholeheartedly live by.)
Basically, adulthood has always scared me because it gave me visions of pencil skirts paired with comfortable yet ugly shoes and an office job that gave me no creative freedom whatsoever and made me conform to a cookie-cutter ideal. Now that I'm legally an adult, I realize that's not a guaranteed fate nor is it a death sentence. It's just a less than ideal way of living my life. I've also realized that I'm in my first year of college, and while job hunting and internships are not far from a reality, I've also got some time.
So I guess I can continue to eat organic snack foods and drink tea and binge watch House of Cards. Adults do these things too. Becoming an adult doesn't mean you're done doing your favorite things. It just means that you have to add in responsibilities to the mix too, as much as you don't want to. Now that I'm done rambling (and posting for the second day in a row, HEYO!), I'm going to go organize my room (maybe), finish this hot chocolate, and maybe take a nap with my cats. Or just watch endless YouTube videos, like usual. Who knows. I've done all my responsible, 'adult' things for today.
Adulthood is this weird thing to me. Suddenly, once you turn 18, POOF, you can no longer be tried as a juvenile (not that I have plans to commit a crime or anything) and you suddenly have all these responsibilities thrust upon you like voting and driving yourself to the doctor and making your own damn appointments (which terrifies me, but we're slowly working on it). But in all honesty, I just want to lay around and possibly watch Adventure Time on Netflix while I drink hot chocolate (shout out to Trader Joe's for making a delicious, organic instant mix. You know what I want, TJ. You always do. <3). IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!
Well, not really, I suppose. Sure, I have to work at a job and make my own money and drive myself places instead of my mom taking me and tell the doctor why I don't feel well by myself and pay for my own computer repairs (mental note: call Apple already and ask them how much it's going to cost to replace your stupid battery) and cook my own food every once in a while but that doesn't mean I can't do all my childish things, right? Just because I've passed into the 'legal adult' territory age-wise doesn't mean I'm not allowed to do the things I used to. It's silly to think that way, and yet, I've had those thoughts before.
I guess I've realized that I've previously put so much pressure on myself to be 'adult-like' all the time, 24 hours a day, even before I was really considered an adult. I think that's silly. I shouldn't have to conform to 'mature' ideals just because I'm now legally considered an adult. My mother is 50 years old and we still jump in mud puddles together like we're both 5 year old kids. And that's great! It's fun! Life should be fun!! (Insert cliche, overdone ~life is too short~ quote that I wholeheartedly live by.)
Basically, adulthood has always scared me because it gave me visions of pencil skirts paired with comfortable yet ugly shoes and an office job that gave me no creative freedom whatsoever and made me conform to a cookie-cutter ideal. Now that I'm legally an adult, I realize that's not a guaranteed fate nor is it a death sentence. It's just a less than ideal way of living my life. I've also realized that I'm in my first year of college, and while job hunting and internships are not far from a reality, I've also got some time.
So I guess I can continue to eat organic snack foods and drink tea and binge watch House of Cards. Adults do these things too. Becoming an adult doesn't mean you're done doing your favorite things. It just means that you have to add in responsibilities to the mix too, as much as you don't want to. Now that I'm done rambling (and posting for the second day in a row, HEYO!), I'm going to go organize my room (maybe), finish this hot chocolate, and maybe take a nap with my cats. Or just watch endless YouTube videos, like usual. Who knows. I've done all my responsible, 'adult' things for today.
new year, new me~
I actually really hate that saying. I, like many other people in the world, believe that change and the New Year shouldn't be mutually exclusive. However, it seems like a greater population of people do share that belief, as it's now obvious to me that the US (and other places, I'm sure) have made a market out of New Year's resolutions. I could insert some cynical, jaded line about how everything is being made into a market, but it's almost midnight and I'm feeling airy for once, so forgive me, my cynicism is down at the moment.
I guess, in a way, I do have a resolution or two. Firstly, I'd like to be more forgiving of myself this year. I spent far too much time in 2014 being hyper critical of myself for all the wrong reasons, and as someone who has an anxiety disorder, sometimes I'm not sure if it just comes with the territory or if I'm too hard on myself. Either way, I have to start letting small things go and allowing myself to breathe, even when I make mistakes. As much as I try to pretend I'm a well-dressed robot with no emotional spectrum, the truth is, I am a human. A human with emotions and feelings that sometimes get hurt, mostly by my own thoughts because LOL I'm my own worst enemy. Hopefully, I'll back off on myself in 2015. At least just a little.
Secondly, as vain as it is, I'd like to wear more lipstick. This whole blog was inspired by orange lipstick and my love for it, because I've found that orange is a great color for me (but only on my lips). For an 18 year old college kid, I have a massive lipstick collection. Like, massive. I'm talking more than a dozen tubes, most of which are barely used. They sit in their drawer, saddened by the fact that most of them never see the light of day more than twice a year. Usually, I have the same 3 lipsticks in rotation because I'm too lazy in the morning to manage more than mascara and a little under-eye concealer. And now that I'm in college and like to sleep until the very last second (another thing that must change going into spring semester), my use of lipstick has dwindled even more.
Part of me thinks that my use of lipstick, or lack thereof, had something to do with my confidence level or my hope to fit in. When I went away to college this fall, I told myself that I would stick to guns and make friends with people who share the same interests as me. And while I did make friends with people who are super cool and I would definitely see myself in five years with getting drinks, I realized, as I was moving in, I hardly brought anything that screamed "HERE I AM WORLD I AM MATTEA HEAR ME ROAR". Everything was pretty plain. Sure, my giant Ramones poster kind of stuck out at first, but then it fell off the wall and I never did hang it back up. (Note to self: hang it back up, you lazy shit. It's not that hard.) I didn't bring my records (which is going to change when I go back), I didn't bring many momentos besides books, and I had very little with me that expressed my identity and self besides clothes and music on my iPod. Visually, my dorm started out very lackluster and non-expressive (which has since then changed as I became more comfortable at school and with my surroundings and people). But, I didn't try to be 'too' out of the box. I still dressed the way I liked to, but it wasn't anything daring, like I used to pull in high school. I'm definitely going to have to break out my bright red kilt next semester.
I also found myself playing it safe, especially with makeup and clothes. I was never like that in my last two years of high school; I wore what I wanted and did what I wanted because that's who I was and I couldn't give less of a fuck who opposed. I even dashed away to Canada for my 17th birthday so I could get a tattoo done because I'm a ~rebel~ (not), and spent the next two weeks giving the finger to everyone who questioned me. I guess my mom has always harbored that mentality in me, in the smallest ways, and I love her for it. If I come home with a half sleeve, I'm sure she'll protest and ask "What about a job, Mattea? What then?!", but until then, I'm sure anything I do is passable. Except a tongue piercing. That'll always be a no-bueno in my mom's book.
But in college, I guess I subconsciously wanted to fit in and make friends with everyone because this was my chance. Growing up in a small town, you make your friend groups early and infiltrating them after a set date (usually the start of high school) is hard. Not impossible, but it's pretty tricky. So, being new at college, I wanted to be 'cool' and have lots of 'cool' college friends. But now that my first semester is done with, I've realized something; literally no one cares if you're conventionally 'cool' or not. Conventionally 'cool' isn't even a thing past high school. There is no strict definition anymore.
I repeat: NO ONE CARES IF YOU'RE WEIRD. So now that I've realized that I can be weird and expressive and break out in song and dance with my equally as weird friends who like to stay up late and listen to 60's music while we contemplate the meaning of life, I've decided that lipstick must enter my life in full force once again. I brought quite a few of my lipsticks to school with me, but have managed to get very little use out of them. I've also just realized that I went on a long tangent about lipstick and self-confidence and identity and I'm unsure of how we got here, but I like it. Also, my cats are yowling at each other and it baffles me how cats can be so unaware of time. They literally don't care. They'll yowl and play at 3 a.m, they don't care. I sometimes wish cats knew about bed times and common courtesy.
Lastly, I'd like to blog more. This is probably going to be the hardest resolution to keep up with, because I'm horrible, lazy, POS blogger who tries to convince herself she 'doesn't have time' and 'can't keep up with a blog' but in all reality, I'm just a procrastinator who needs to schedule her time better. (Yet another thing that must change.) I'm not going to promise this blog will be updated, but with the amount of things running around my head as of late, I'm sure it'll be updated enough. I hope. Maybe I'll say a little prayer for myself. That'll probably do it. (Who am I kidding? Not even Jesus himself could perform the miracle that is instilling motivation in me.)
Now that I've spent an ample amount of time writing this blog post and rambling on about fucking lipstick, it's time for me to go back to the reality of training a kitten not to be a pain in the ass 24 hours a day. She's cute and all (maybe pictures to come?) but nose biting at 6 a.m is not. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. I also need to go to bed because I have responsibilities that need to be tended to tomorrow. ZOMG adulthood~~ so much fun.
I guess, in a way, I do have a resolution or two. Firstly, I'd like to be more forgiving of myself this year. I spent far too much time in 2014 being hyper critical of myself for all the wrong reasons, and as someone who has an anxiety disorder, sometimes I'm not sure if it just comes with the territory or if I'm too hard on myself. Either way, I have to start letting small things go and allowing myself to breathe, even when I make mistakes. As much as I try to pretend I'm a well-dressed robot with no emotional spectrum, the truth is, I am a human. A human with emotions and feelings that sometimes get hurt, mostly by my own thoughts because LOL I'm my own worst enemy. Hopefully, I'll back off on myself in 2015. At least just a little.
Secondly, as vain as it is, I'd like to wear more lipstick. This whole blog was inspired by orange lipstick and my love for it, because I've found that orange is a great color for me (but only on my lips). For an 18 year old college kid, I have a massive lipstick collection. Like, massive. I'm talking more than a dozen tubes, most of which are barely used. They sit in their drawer, saddened by the fact that most of them never see the light of day more than twice a year. Usually, I have the same 3 lipsticks in rotation because I'm too lazy in the morning to manage more than mascara and a little under-eye concealer. And now that I'm in college and like to sleep until the very last second (another thing that must change going into spring semester), my use of lipstick has dwindled even more.
Part of me thinks that my use of lipstick, or lack thereof, had something to do with my confidence level or my hope to fit in. When I went away to college this fall, I told myself that I would stick to guns and make friends with people who share the same interests as me. And while I did make friends with people who are super cool and I would definitely see myself in five years with getting drinks, I realized, as I was moving in, I hardly brought anything that screamed "HERE I AM WORLD I AM MATTEA HEAR ME ROAR". Everything was pretty plain. Sure, my giant Ramones poster kind of stuck out at first, but then it fell off the wall and I never did hang it back up. (Note to self: hang it back up, you lazy shit. It's not that hard.) I didn't bring my records (which is going to change when I go back), I didn't bring many momentos besides books, and I had very little with me that expressed my identity and self besides clothes and music on my iPod. Visually, my dorm started out very lackluster and non-expressive (which has since then changed as I became more comfortable at school and with my surroundings and people). But, I didn't try to be 'too' out of the box. I still dressed the way I liked to, but it wasn't anything daring, like I used to pull in high school. I'm definitely going to have to break out my bright red kilt next semester.
I also found myself playing it safe, especially with makeup and clothes. I was never like that in my last two years of high school; I wore what I wanted and did what I wanted because that's who I was and I couldn't give less of a fuck who opposed. I even dashed away to Canada for my 17th birthday so I could get a tattoo done because I'm a ~rebel~ (not), and spent the next two weeks giving the finger to everyone who questioned me. I guess my mom has always harbored that mentality in me, in the smallest ways, and I love her for it. If I come home with a half sleeve, I'm sure she'll protest and ask "What about a job, Mattea? What then?!", but until then, I'm sure anything I do is passable. Except a tongue piercing. That'll always be a no-bueno in my mom's book.
But in college, I guess I subconsciously wanted to fit in and make friends with everyone because this was my chance. Growing up in a small town, you make your friend groups early and infiltrating them after a set date (usually the start of high school) is hard. Not impossible, but it's pretty tricky. So, being new at college, I wanted to be 'cool' and have lots of 'cool' college friends. But now that my first semester is done with, I've realized something; literally no one cares if you're conventionally 'cool' or not. Conventionally 'cool' isn't even a thing past high school. There is no strict definition anymore.
I repeat: NO ONE CARES IF YOU'RE WEIRD. So now that I've realized that I can be weird and expressive and break out in song and dance with my equally as weird friends who like to stay up late and listen to 60's music while we contemplate the meaning of life, I've decided that lipstick must enter my life in full force once again. I brought quite a few of my lipsticks to school with me, but have managed to get very little use out of them. I've also just realized that I went on a long tangent about lipstick and self-confidence and identity and I'm unsure of how we got here, but I like it. Also, my cats are yowling at each other and it baffles me how cats can be so unaware of time. They literally don't care. They'll yowl and play at 3 a.m, they don't care. I sometimes wish cats knew about bed times and common courtesy.
Lastly, I'd like to blog more. This is probably going to be the hardest resolution to keep up with, because I'm horrible, lazy, POS blogger who tries to convince herself she 'doesn't have time' and 'can't keep up with a blog' but in all reality, I'm just a procrastinator who needs to schedule her time better. (Yet another thing that must change.) I'm not going to promise this blog will be updated, but with the amount of things running around my head as of late, I'm sure it'll be updated enough. I hope. Maybe I'll say a little prayer for myself. That'll probably do it. (Who am I kidding? Not even Jesus himself could perform the miracle that is instilling motivation in me.)
Now that I've spent an ample amount of time writing this blog post and rambling on about fucking lipstick, it's time for me to go back to the reality of training a kitten not to be a pain in the ass 24 hours a day. She's cute and all (maybe pictures to come?) but nose biting at 6 a.m is not. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. I also need to go to bed because I have responsibilities that need to be tended to tomorrow. ZOMG adulthood~~ so much fun.
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