that's all she wrote: an ode to freshman year.

That's right, folks; your girl did it. I successfully (while maybe not sanely) made it through my first year of college. I've officially packed up my things in my dorm, handed in my key, and moved back home for the summer. And it happened so quickly too.

And after finishing my last final today, I can officially say I'm no longer a freshman in college. While I'm excitedly looking forward to sophomore year, I just want to look back a bit on freshman year, and all the things that happened.

This year was great. And it was also shitty. But they balance each other out and my optimistic pest in me wants to just go with the fact that it was great. I, in a very cliche way, learned a lot about myself and who I am and who I want to be. I also learned how to drink wine, but that's a whole different story.

I found that I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. And I'm okay with it. Before, I would have shuddered at the thought of the unknown and not having a set plan. But going to school with hundreds of other college aged kids who are in the same boat has made me realize, 'Hmm.. I'm not the only one who hasn't figured it all out yet'. Hell, even some of my graduating senior friends are still like MEH, not really sure, I'll figure it out when the time is right. My fear of the unknown and unplanned hasn't totally subsided and sometimes I have a mini-meltdown when I think about my future too much, but college has definitely shown me that I'm not the only one trying to figure it all out. And it's okay not to know what you want to do, as long as you do something.

I had a lot of rough patches this year, particularly with my depression and anxiety. I had many times where I was up late at night, tossing and turning and trying to figure out how to calm myself down. I'd have nights where I'd cry myself to sleep. I pushed people away, got mad at people over nothing, and crawled inside of a hole that I wasn't sure I was going to get out of. And honestly, this was one of my biggest fears when I decided to go to college. I had suffered a lot through high school and had a lot of mental health issues that hindered my success. I was terrified that the same was going to carry over into college and that I was going to have to come home after my first year.

But in a way, being on my own and having to figure things out myself has really helped me. I was away from home and away from my rock, aka my mother, so every time I had an anxiety attack or a rough mental health day or I wasn't taking my medication like I should have (aka me being an idiot because I know the consequences and yet.. Still, I would forget to take it), I had to figure it out myself. Sure, sometimes I would call my mom late at night and cry to her for 40 minutes and tell her how much I hated life at the moment and wanted to come home and I would second guess my ability to manage. But in the end, it helped me discover new, healthy coping techniques and helped me discover how strong I really am. I always like to remind myself that I've had my fair share of bad days, and thus far, I've gotten through all of them, so I'm capable of getting through a bunch more. I've also learned that I'm not alone in that sense, that a bunch of my friends also suffer from depression or other mental health issues. And it's okay. I'm so grateful for my friends for also helping me through.

One of the most important things I learned this year, in regards to academics, was to ask for help when you need it. To be totally honest, I have nothing less than a perfectionist attitude. I don't like to ask for help because part of my brain apparently thinks that I should get everything 100% right the first time. It's an obnoxious flaw that I have and I'm consistently working on it because I'm sure you can imagine how stressful this can make things, especially when I'm trying them out for the first time. It's silly of me to expect to be perfect at everything, not to mention when I'm trying them out as a beginner. But it's always been a mentality I've had and I won't lie, it's pretty toxic. Because of this, I've taught myself not to ask for help, to figure things out on my own. But in a college environment where everything is taught at a fast pace and there's little room to catch up if you're behind, you have to learn how to ask for help. And this meant that I had to face my fears of asking for assistance.

I took a math class this past semester, and while I'm not terrible at math, it's definitely one of those subjects that you have be present for. And like everyone, I would get sick and I missed a few classes. This is when I realized how crucial being in class was. I ended up falling behind and cursing myself for letting myself do that and wondering how I was going to get back to where I needed to be. My mom pushed me to go to my professor and explain my frustrations, but this suggestion alone gave me anxiety beyond belief, so it was out of the question. But my school has a great tutoring program available through our library, free of charge, which is amazing since some tutors want to be paid, and for good reason too! I decided to try my luck, put my fear of judgment behind me, and sign up for a tutoring session because I won't lie, I was very lost in the material we were covering. I remember just sitting on my bed, trying to do homework and falling into a sobbing heap because I had no idea what I was looking at. I guess I'm very happy that I was desperate because it led me to appreciate the amazing student-led tutoring program we have. It also taught me that it's okay to reach out for help, whether it be academic, emotional, or otherwise. We're humans and we make mistakes, and sometimes even the most positive of us need to be reminded of that.

One of the hardest things I think I had to learn this year was that letting go of people who are not good for you is okay and you should do it, even if it's extremely hard at first or even if your friends are still going to be friends with them. Sometimes you will meet people who seem like they have your best interests in mind at first. But after a while, those people may reveal their true selves, whether it be they're actually selfish, rude, have no regard for your feelings/personal space/time, or any other number of reasons. You will meet people who do not actually care about you. They will call you their friend, they will portray themselves like this, but if you dig a little deeper or you get into a situation where you need them, those people may disappear and show you via actions what you really mean to them.

But this is okay. It is totally, 100% okay because you should be looking out for yourself and your feelings and your personal well-being, and if a person is compromising these things, they are not your friend. They do not care about you because friends do not hurt each other emotionally, mentally, and especially not physically. If you find yourself being treated wrongly by a 'friend', please do yourself a favor and walk away. It is hard, and sometimes your friends will be pissed off and be like YO Y R U CREATING DRAMA?!!~~, but disregard this. Your well-being should come first, not the sustainability of your friend group. Sure, it may be awkward for a bit and you may have weird run ins with this person, but these things will subside. I promise you, they will. You'll move on and even if that person does not, you can be the bigger, more mature person in the situation and forget about it. Some people are just not meant to be in your life and that's okay.

In a very cliche and totally typical way, I learned that I should always be myself. People will flock to you, no matter how weird you think you are. I found some of my greatest friends through my insane love of musical theatre. I also found great friends in the departments I'm apart of (communications/film studies and theatre arts double major WOOT!) because we all shared similar interests. I found amazing allies and girl friends through a feminist group that was formed at my school. And I also learned, through this experience, that I should never shy away from what I believe in. If people don't like you because you're open and honest about your opinions, whatever, it's okay. I'm sure there will never be a day where I'm not called a "crazy, angry feminist" but I'm totally cool with that, because I'm cool with who I am. The key to not letting people get under your skin is to truly know who you are as a person. If you know who you are, the things people tell you that you are cannot effect you.

So thanks freshman year. You've taught me quite a bit about myself and have brought me to a place where I feel extremely at peace and happy. I had times this year where I never thought I'd feel this inner peace, but here I am. It feels so gratifying to say that.

I'd also like to end this post with a bit of an apology. I've been taking some personal time off to deal with some personal issues that are going on in my crazy and hectic life. I've also been in the midst of trying to find a job for the summer because college is expensive and abroad trips don't pay for themselves and money doesn't grow on trees, blah blah blah. So I'm sorry I have not been a good blogger. I truly, truly apologize. But this summer and into next semester, we're going to work on that and make writing and blogging a priority! I wish you all the best.

adulthood.

In November, I turned 18. The big 1-8, the legal age of (almost) everything. I'm officially considered an adult, yet I still sometimes feel 12 on the inside. Some people might even be convinced that I'm a 5 year old stuck inside an 18 year old body. Sometimes, I'd agree with them. I still quote Spongebob like a 10 year old who's had too much candy.

Adulthood is this weird thing to me. Suddenly, once you turn 18, POOF, you can no longer be tried as a juvenile (not that I have plans to commit a crime or anything) and you suddenly have all these responsibilities thrust upon you like voting and driving yourself to the doctor and making your own damn appointments (which terrifies me, but we're slowly working on it). But in all honesty, I just want to lay around and possibly watch Adventure Time on Netflix while I drink hot chocolate (shout out to Trader Joe's for making a delicious, organic instant mix. You know what I want, TJ. You always do. <3). IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!

Well, not really, I suppose. Sure, I have to work at a job and make my own money and drive myself places instead of my mom taking me and tell the doctor why I don't feel well by myself and pay for my own computer repairs (mental note: call Apple already and ask them how much it's going to cost to replace your stupid battery) and cook my own food every once in a while but that doesn't mean I can't do all my childish things, right? Just because I've passed into the 'legal adult' territory age-wise doesn't mean I'm not allowed to do the things I used to. It's silly to think that way, and yet, I've had those thoughts before.

I guess I've realized that I've previously put so much pressure on myself to be 'adult-like' all the time, 24 hours a day, even before I was really considered an adult. I think that's silly. I shouldn't have to conform to 'mature' ideals just because I'm now legally considered an adult. My mother is 50 years old and we still jump in mud puddles together like we're both 5 year old kids. And that's great! It's fun! Life should be fun!! (Insert cliche, overdone ~life is too short~ quote that I wholeheartedly live by.)

Basically, adulthood has always scared me because it gave me visions of pencil skirts paired with comfortable yet ugly shoes and an office job that gave me no creative freedom whatsoever and made me conform to a cookie-cutter ideal. Now that I'm legally an adult, I realize that's not a guaranteed fate nor is it a death sentence. It's just a less than ideal way of living my life. I've also realized that I'm in my first year of college, and while job hunting and internships are not far from a reality, I've also got some time.

So I guess I can continue to eat organic snack foods and drink tea and binge watch House of Cards. Adults do these things too. Becoming an adult doesn't mean you're done doing your favorite things. It just means that you have to add in responsibilities to the mix too, as much as you don't want to. Now that I'm done rambling (and posting for the second day in a row, HEYO!), I'm going to go organize my room (maybe), finish this hot chocolate, and maybe take a nap with my cats. Or just watch endless YouTube videos, like usual. Who knows. I've done all my responsible, 'adult' things for today.